The program of AA consists of 12 steps, the first one being...
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
I never had any success staying sober until I was totally able to take this step - without reservation. As long as drinking was an option for me I could only stay sober for a while - sometimes a long while, but still only for a while.
If I told myself that I could stay sober as long as things went my way I eventually ended up drunk, because life never allowed everything to go my way. When I was walking on eggshells wondering if I would end up drunk again I always ended up drunk - because I was expecting it in the back of my mind. It was only when I realized once and for all that I could not drink and live that I was finally able to stay sober for the long haul. In other words, I really and truly took step one. Deep down inside I knew that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable.
I finally realized that it was my choice, (just like my friend Jack B. kept saying over and over) I could drink and die or I could stay sober and live. I wanted to live so I started telling myself every morning "today I will not drink, no matter what happens." In other words, I took that option off the table. I decided to stay sober. Then, and only then, I was ready for step two. Then, and only then, I was ready to go on with my life.
