Stubborn & Rebellious

Alcoholics are stubborn and rebellious - no big news there, right? I think we all pretty much get that. It's also in our nature to resist following instructions. It says on page 58 of the Big Book that "some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." I know that to be true. I tried to hold onto some of my old ideas when I first came to the fellowship, but eventually I realized that my ideas got me into trouble. I finally decided to take advise, and became willing to do as the old-timers in the fellowship instructed. In other words, I finally let go absolutely.

On page 59 of the Book it says that "half measures availed us nothing." And before that (on page 58) it says "if you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps." So why is it that people who hear those words read at the beginning of each AA meeting still try to hold onto their old ideas and use half measures? It obviously is because of that stubborness and rebelliousness I mentioned earlier.

I get so frustrated sometimes with newcomers who don't seem to take the program seriously. They come in and tell their sad stories and talk about how they must quit drinking, but then they will not follow the instructions given to them. And of course, if you don't follow instructions then you don't get well. No matter what they have been through and what they learn from us about the disease of alcoholism they still want to try a mixture of their old ideas and some new AA ideas. The results are nil, as the Big Book says. It just doesn't work.

Unfortunately, there is no way we can change this. I have no magic cure that will make alcoholics listen and learn quickly. We usually have to learn the hard way. But, we must keep carrying the message of hope, and a few of them along the way will grab hold of what they learn and run with it, and stay sober for the long haul. For those few we must keep reaching out and lending a hand - just like those folks did for us when we were new. Thank God the hand of AA is far-reaching, and patient.

Venting Buddies

Friends are a good thing, and really good friends are a God thing. We all need friends who will stick with us through the hard times, as well as the good. In AA we especially need friends in the fellowship who will allow us to vent about what is bothering us in a non-judgmental way. These friends, being in AA, know our issues and they realize how important it is for us to get things off our chest.

I like to call these friends 'venting buddies.' I am grateful to have venting buddies I can dump my crap on, and I'm glad to allow them the same courtesy. We need each other, and we use each other to unload. After the venting is done we can encourage and make suggestions, but the venting must be allowed to happen. As alcoholics we have a tendency to keep things inside, and that is not good. Thank God for venting buddies.

Change Of Character?

Due to a meeting discussion at a local AA group, and an online discussion forum I participate in, I was made very aware of the differences of opinion regarding whether or not the 12 steps are simply behavior modification or a process that brings about a change of character. Personally, I agree with those who said it is behavior modification that can possibly lead to a change of character - if that is what is desired.

For me, the character change came more over time. I am more honest than I used to be, and I have more integrity. I also have more faith and hope, and I try to be a decent, human being.

In my opinion, which comes from much observation over a long period of time, I believe the people whose character improves have a much easier time staying sober. It appears to me that those who just change their behavior are treading water and have no confidence in their ability to stay sober for the long haul. (This is not a judgment, just an observation). Those with a character change tend to focus on living life and being of service to others, knowing that a life well lived will be alcohol-free. After all, the desire to drink was miraculously removed as I worked my way through the steps. By choosing to earnestly work through the process I changed into a non-drinking person, therefore alcohol is a non-issue.

Let me make it perfectly clear that I'm not judging those who only changed their behavior. I'm just saying that there is a lot more than sobriety that can be gained from the 12 steps. We can choose to become better people, and we have the spiritual tools to help us, and the support of those who have preceded us in this.

Blah, blah, blah and more blah

The biggest problem I have with sponsees is that they don't want to listen. They just want to talk endlessly about anything and everything. Blah, blah, blah and more blah. They come to AA for help supposedly, and they ask me to be their sponsor, and then they proceed to tell me how it all works.

Some want to talk about Jesus, some want to talk about how they are too busy to come to meetings. Some go on and on about the great support they get from their pastor or family and how they are doing so well. For once I would like to hear a sponsee come to me and say "teach me how to live sober and be happy." Oh well, I guess I'm dreaming again. Someone pinch me and wake me up.

Service Work

People in AA love to talk about service work. More importantly, people in AA (at least the smart ones) love to do service work. We serve on committees, we make coffee, we sweep and mop floors in the meeting room. We help newcomers, we give people rides to and from meetings. We do whatever needs to be done. Why? Well, it certainly isn't the paycheck we get for it, because there isn't one.

We do service work because we care about the still suffering alcoholic. We also do it because we care about ourselves. Dr. Bob (one of our co-founders) used to say that the AA way of life could be summarized in two words, love & service. He certainly knew what he was talking about.

Another way we do service work is by sponsoring the new folks. We befriend them and guide them through the 12 steps. At least the good sponsors do that. We teach them how to get through the days and nights without booze, and we teach them how to pass it along to others.

Yeah, we love our service work. That's just the way we roll.

One Big Happy Family?

AA is a remarkable fellowship. It survives the years, the decades and the resentments. It continues to work - regardless of the character defects of its many members. We are not a perfect group of drunks. In fact, I'm sure there is no such thing as a perfect group of drunks; nor is there a perfect group of anything else, for that matter.

We lie, we cheat, we argue and we get huge resentments - at each other and, of course, at those outside our circles. Why? We do it simply because we are human. Those are the kinds of things humans do.

But we also love and serve. We reach out to those who still suffer, and we do what we can to give them hope and a lifeline. We do it because we care and also because it helps our recovery.

Tonight at our meeting a young man picked up a 30 day chip. There is nothing unusual about that, and that is what impressed me. In spite of all our faults and differences of opinion our fellowship is still intact and our 12 step program still works wonders. Yes, actually we are one big happy family. Not perfect, not always serene, we don't always get along with one another, but still one family - united in love and service.