Don't Drink - No Matter What

It looks like it has been a year since I blogged here.  I can't believe it has actually been that long.  A lot has happened in my life in the past year - some of it was good, and some of it has really sucked.  But one thing is certain; life always gives us plenty of opportunities to grow.  I believe I am growing because I am far out of my comfort zone.

I don't have a lot to say today, but I will close with my best advice to you. Don't drink, no matter what. 

Faith or Leg Work

Sometimes it is hard to know the difference between exercising faith and being lazy.  To put it another way, it is difficult sometimes to know when to act or wait.  For example, if I turn something over to God does that mean I don't give it anymore thought or does it mean I keep putting my best effort into it and let God take care of the results? Not so easy to decide sometimes.

The way that I've resolved this, at least to my temporary satisfaction, is to keep doing what I can to make things happen that I think should happen, (like finding a job) but not to worry about the outcome.  God has me in his loving hands, but I need to do what I can to help things along.  Yes, it is a fine line sometimes, but I am pretty sure God is not going to let me sit back on my butt while he sends lots of money my way.  Most of us have to work for it if we are given that opportunity.  If not, then I need to have faith that God has something better waiting for me.   

God grant me the serenity...

The Learning Never Stops

Recently I had an epithany concerning a resentment I have had for a while.  I realized that the person I resented would not have done the things they did if I had not started the ball rolling with what I did.  I was in the wrong.  I stepped over a boundry that I should not have crossed. The result was two of us got hurt. 

The good news is I learned some things from the experience.  I learned a lot about me, and that is what recovery is all about.  The learning never stops as long as we keep doing what step 10 tells us to do - we continue to take inventory and when we are wrong we promptly admit it.  Thank God that the learning never stops.

Stubborn & Rebellious

Alcoholics are stubborn and rebellious - no big news there, right? I think we all pretty much get that. It's also in our nature to resist following instructions. It says on page 58 of the Big Book that "some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." I know that to be true. I tried to hold onto some of my old ideas when I first came to the fellowship, but eventually I realized that my ideas got me into trouble. I finally decided to take advise, and became willing to do as the old-timers in the fellowship instructed. In other words, I finally let go absolutely.

On page 59 of the Book it says that "half measures availed us nothing." And before that (on page 58) it says "if you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps." So why is it that people who hear those words read at the beginning of each AA meeting still try to hold onto their old ideas and use half measures? It obviously is because of that stubborness and rebelliousness I mentioned earlier.

I get so frustrated sometimes with newcomers who don't seem to take the program seriously. They come in and tell their sad stories and talk about how they must quit drinking, but then they will not follow the instructions given to them. And of course, if you don't follow instructions then you don't get well. No matter what they have been through and what they learn from us about the disease of alcoholism they still want to try a mixture of their old ideas and some new AA ideas. The results are nil, as the Big Book says. It just doesn't work.

Unfortunately, there is no way we can change this. I have no magic cure that will make alcoholics listen and learn quickly. We usually have to learn the hard way. But, we must keep carrying the message of hope, and a few of them along the way will grab hold of what they learn and run with it, and stay sober for the long haul. For those few we must keep reaching out and lending a hand - just like those folks did for us when we were new. Thank God the hand of AA is far-reaching, and patient.

Venting Buddies

Friends are a good thing, and really good friends are a God thing. We all need friends who will stick with us through the hard times, as well as the good. In AA we especially need friends in the fellowship who will allow us to vent about what is bothering us in a non-judgmental way. These friends, being in AA, know our issues and they realize how important it is for us to get things off our chest.

I like to call these friends 'venting buddies.' I am grateful to have venting buddies I can dump my crap on, and I'm glad to allow them the same courtesy. We need each other, and we use each other to unload. After the venting is done we can encourage and make suggestions, but the venting must be allowed to happen. As alcoholics we have a tendency to keep things inside, and that is not good. Thank God for venting buddies.

Change Of Character?

Due to a meeting discussion at a local AA group, and an online discussion forum I participate in, I was made very aware of the differences of opinion regarding whether or not the 12 steps are simply behavior modification or a process that brings about a change of character. Personally, I agree with those who said it is behavior modification that can possibly lead to a change of character - if that is what is desired.

For me, the character change came more over time. I am more honest than I used to be, and I have more integrity. I also have more faith and hope, and I try to be a decent, human being.

In my opinion, which comes from much observation over a long period of time, I believe the people whose character improves have a much easier time staying sober. It appears to me that those who just change their behavior are treading water and have no confidence in their ability to stay sober for the long haul. (This is not a judgment, just an observation). Those with a character change tend to focus on living life and being of service to others, knowing that a life well lived will be alcohol-free. After all, the desire to drink was miraculously removed as I worked my way through the steps. By choosing to earnestly work through the process I changed into a non-drinking person, therefore alcohol is a non-issue.

Let me make it perfectly clear that I'm not judging those who only changed their behavior. I'm just saying that there is a lot more than sobriety that can be gained from the 12 steps. We can choose to become better people, and we have the spiritual tools to help us, and the support of those who have preceded us in this.

Blah, blah, blah and more blah

The biggest problem I have with sponsees is that they don't want to listen. They just want to talk endlessly about anything and everything. Blah, blah, blah and more blah. They come to AA for help supposedly, and they ask me to be their sponsor, and then they proceed to tell me how it all works.

Some want to talk about Jesus, some want to talk about how they are too busy to come to meetings. Some go on and on about the great support they get from their pastor or family and how they are doing so well. For once I would like to hear a sponsee come to me and say "teach me how to live sober and be happy." Oh well, I guess I'm dreaming again. Someone pinch me and wake me up.

Service Work

People in AA love to talk about service work. More importantly, people in AA (at least the smart ones) love to do service work. We serve on committees, we make coffee, we sweep and mop floors in the meeting room. We help newcomers, we give people rides to and from meetings. We do whatever needs to be done. Why? Well, it certainly isn't the paycheck we get for it, because there isn't one.

We do service work because we care about the still suffering alcoholic. We also do it because we care about ourselves. Dr. Bob (one of our co-founders) used to say that the AA way of life could be summarized in two words, love & service. He certainly knew what he was talking about.

Another way we do service work is by sponsoring the new folks. We befriend them and guide them through the 12 steps. At least the good sponsors do that. We teach them how to get through the days and nights without booze, and we teach them how to pass it along to others.

Yeah, we love our service work. That's just the way we roll.

One Big Happy Family?

AA is a remarkable fellowship. It survives the years, the decades and the resentments. It continues to work - regardless of the character defects of its many members. We are not a perfect group of drunks. In fact, I'm sure there is no such thing as a perfect group of drunks; nor is there a perfect group of anything else, for that matter.

We lie, we cheat, we argue and we get huge resentments - at each other and, of course, at those outside our circles. Why? We do it simply because we are human. Those are the kinds of things humans do.

But we also love and serve. We reach out to those who still suffer, and we do what we can to give them hope and a lifeline. We do it because we care and also because it helps our recovery.

Tonight at our meeting a young man picked up a 30 day chip. There is nothing unusual about that, and that is what impressed me. In spite of all our faults and differences of opinion our fellowship is still intact and our 12 step program still works wonders. Yes, actually we are one big happy family. Not perfect, not always serene, we don't always get along with one another, but still one family - united in love and service.

Anonymity

Tradition Eleven — Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.

In the book Dr. Bob And The Good Oldtimers (page 264) he (Dr. Bob) said "Since our tradition on anonymity designates the exact level where the line should be held, it must be obvious to everyone who can read and understand the English language that to maintain anonymity at any other level is definitely a violation of this tradition."

Isn't that interesting? We should be anonymous only at the level of press, radio and films. It doesn't say anything at all about hiding your indentity from other AA members. So why do so many people in AA think they commit the unpardonable sin if they give their last name? Perhaps it is simply fear. They are afraid you might actually call them and ask for help. I don't use my last name when I share during a meeting, because it isn't necessary, but I don't hesitate to give my last name to those I give my phone number to.

If we want the hand of AA to always be there for the suffering alcoholic we must be willing to let others know who we are.  Let's not violate this tradition in either direction.  Let's not tell the world we are in AA, but let's not keep it a secret either. 

Surrender To Love

Decisions, decisions, decisions. Life is full of decisions. Sometimes it isn't easy to decide what the best course of action is. Sometimes it's all we can do to face up to the fact that we need to make a decision. If it happens to be a very important decision where the outcome could change our life or dramatically affect the life of another it can be much more frightening. What do we do in times like these?  If only there was a simple guideline we could go by to help us to make the right decision.  Oh wait; there actually is one.

As an alcoholic, who also happens to come from a dysfunctional family, I know what it is like to live in fear and to make decisions based on that fear. Even though fear is a great motivator it does not guarantee a right decision. In fact it can lead us to make a wrong decision. Love, on the other hand, will always lead us in the right direction. If we respond out of love to ourselves and others we can rest assured that the outcome will be rewarding.

I choose to surrender to the love in me - not to the fear.

Pass It On

Looking back over a quarter of a century ago at a time when my old friend, Jack B., was helping me through some of the rough spots on the road to recovery I remember his words to me after I expressed my gratitude. He said three simple words. "Pass it on."

Jack taught me that I never have to drink again unless I want to. He taught me that people really can, and do, recover from alcoholism. He also taught me some things about me. Even though he and I had a falling out a few years down the road (and we never really dealt with that) I like to honor his memory now by doing what he suggested. I like to pass it on.

I recently learned that a friend, who also happens to be my sponsee, is now a sponsor for the first time. My only hope and wish is for him to do the same. Pass it on, brother, just pass it on.

Anger vs. Peace Of Mind

Ralph Waldo Emerson said "For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind." Something worth thinking about, isn't it?

God Yes - Religion No

At a local meeting that I attend we sometimes talk about our past religious experiences and beliefs. There seems to be no shortage of people recovering from their Southern Baptist upbringing. I remember the crazy teachings that I was bombarded with growing up in that enviromment. God first, others next, and self last, is one of them. If that doesn't teach one to be co-dependent nothing will.

That kind of thinking taught me to feel guilty anytime I did something, or even wanted something, just for me. It led to a life of deep shame and inadequacy because I cared about me and wanted things for myself. I felt like I was a bad person for having human wants and needs.

In AA we talk about a different understanding of God. Even though some still cling to religious teachings and practices most people simply come to believe in a concept of a loving God who has no need or desire to condemn or judge us. This concept is more healthy and more practical. Let's keep it simple and not mess it up with theology and superstition. God cares for us and loves us. That's as complicated as it needs to be.

Talking To Members Of The Opposite Sex

I've been reading a discussion on an online AA forum about whether or not women and men should talk to one another before and after meetings. The man who started the discussion only has a few days sobriety so he's entitled to be confused about AA protocol - and pretty much anything else actually. It's the chastising he received from another man in his local AA group that has me puzzled. This newcomer likes to talk with people after meetings (and we do encourage the newcomers to do that, by the way) and some of the people he talks to just happen to be women. After one meeting he was approached by one of the men in attendance and told not to talk to the women. How very, very strange!

I do agree that we need to watch our motives when we deal with the opposite sex - especially in AA where people are trying to get their lives in order. However, I don't think totally staying away from them is the answer. I recall my early days in recovery. I felt really comfortable talking with a particular lady and she was totally comfortable talking to me. I knew she had a boyfriend and I never once moved on her; I just needed to talk with someone and she was available. I really needed that. Thank God for people like her who didn't care what the AA judges thought about it - she just wanted to help.

When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there and for that I am Responsible.

Relapse

Some people in our fellowship get really upset and disturbed when a friend goes back out to drink some more. I totally understand this. I've had friends go back out and I've always hated to see it. Some come back and some do not. When they come back we just welcome them back and tell them we missed them. Hopefully they will stick around long enough to learn that they have a choice, and hopefully they will choose sobriety, but we each must decide for ourselves to stay sober - no matter what someone else says or does. Recovery is a choice.

One Day At A Time

Living one day at a time is very wise.

Yesterday is gone forever. It went away and left us with its
mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and
pains. Yesterday has passed beyond our control. All
the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. We
cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a
single word we said. Yesterday is gone forever.

Another day we should not worry about is tomorrow. No
matter how much we worry about it or plan for it we cannot
actually live it until it gets here. And if we are fearful of what
may happen tomorrow we relinquish our ability to enjoy today.
Most of the things we worry about don't materialize anyway, so
why worry?

Living for today is best. We can handle one day much better.
Today I can choose to look for the good. Today I can choose
to love and forgive, smile and laugh.  Today I can choose to
enjoy myself.

Sure, there will be challenges along the way, and probably
somebody will say something, or do something, I don't like
but that is okay.  That's life.  Today I choose to go out of my
way to relax and enjoy.  

The Good And Bad Of Meetings

At this morning's meeting someone mentioned that there are people in AA who like to run things and push their agenda on everyone else. Of course a name or two popped into my head immediately but I did not mention them. I just reminded everyone that the ego maniacs and power seekers have always been a part of our fellowship and always will be.

Several people mentioned that they do not go to certain meetings because of these people. Fortunately in my area there are many meetings to go to and we can pick and choose. That is one thing good I can say about AA in our area. Even though we don't have the quality I wish we had, at least we do have variety. For that I'm grateful.

When I go to meetings I'm not going just for myself. I'm going looking for someone who is willing to learn. I'm always willing to share my experience, strength and hope with someone who really wants to hear it. That is the true spirit of AA - reaching out a helping hand to the few who really are wanting a life free of alcohol, not just a meeting to go to.

Hope

At this morning's meditation meeting we talked about several things - one of them being hope. I mentioned that when I first came to AA I had no hope, and that it came later. Others in attendance understood what I was talking about and agreed that they were the same way when they came into the fellowship.

Hope is a necessary component in recovery. That is the essence of step two. After we have admitted that we are helpless and hopeless in step one we must somehow move into hope before we can make any progress. Hope is not easy in the beginning, but when it comes it gives us a foundation to build on.

Bill Wilson & The 12 Steps

There are those in AA who like to spread untruths about our program of recovery and about AA history.  One of the stories going around is that Bill Wilson took many years to work the 12 steps.  Is it true? Did Bill Wilson work the 12 steps at the beginning of his recovery or many years later?  You can find the answer here.